Closure comes to us from within.
It comes when we accept that letting go and
Moving forward is more important than
Remaining stuck in a situation that is no longer us.
With a person that is no longer us.

I blamed everyone. My Ex. His work. My work…long hours… children… time consuming… my parents for interfering… family familiarity… Her, the sun, the moon, the stars!!! All but myself. I was blameless…guiltless. The world according to Garp… facts imprinted in my soul… I had no part to play in this fokkop!!! It was his entire fault. His infidelity… his affair…his adulterous nature… Now I must suffer!!!
Acceptance evaded me. I couldn’t adjust to the picture of my new reality… my new life.

I struggled. I tried to manage on my own. I failed miserably. I realized. I needed help!!! Control freak Me won’t succeed on my own. 

Because the biggest stumbling block to moving forward is to accept. And acceptance requires total honesty. And a willingness to let go of the life that you had but which no longer exists.

My psychologist’s prescription for success:

1. It’s about you, not them.
You can only control yourself – no one else. For as long as you look outside yourself to move forward, you will fail. It is when you turn inward, the positive changes will happen. Being a victim means giving away control and power. If you blame someone else, you will remain powerless to do anything about it because then you absolve yourself from responsibility. Take control of your life and possession of your responsibility.

2. Get support.
You cannot do it alone. Seek help – a therapist life couch, support group – getting support is a sign of intelligence not
weakness!!! Hopefully you would have gone through the other four stages of grief namely denial, anger, bargaining and depression – because there must be an ending before a new beginning.

3. Distinguish between facts and interpretations.
Consider the possibility that your perception may not be the true facts… that there may be another version than what you
believe to be true. The typical “he said, she said” – and the truth. Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance.

4. Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce, and life. If you can be totally honest with yourself, you will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what you are, along with the ability to accept your life as you are, without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows you to see things that hadn’t existed before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside your ego, you can look at your life for what it actually is, versus a story about your divorce. Once you have been honest and have embraced all the facts about your divorce, you are free to accept full responsibility for your life. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what you want next in life. If you cannot take responsibility, you remain a victim, and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives.

5. Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be.
If you live in a netherland of what you think should be, you are completely cut off from reality or “what is”. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is… that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own. We all create a list of should-be’s that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn’t have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what you should be, you ignore what actually exists for you and remain stuck.

6. Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage.
Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. Maybe it was not your marriage that created a cold person, if
indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages, and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven’t addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past, and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times. Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself.

7. Release toxic emotions.
Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage… these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them, because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it.

8. Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate.

You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery, but if you go through these steps, you will be able to forgive your ex, and more importantly, yourself.

9. Find the gifts of your divorce.
Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you, but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career, and to a certain extent, he has played a part. Often it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life’s possibilities and our own happiness.
Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce, and it becomes yet another step toward a
successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.

HV.